I need to just get this out.

ajadefowler:

I just really hate myself.

I’m just don’t know how to turn things around. I don’t understand how people can wake up every day and feel okay with things. I would give so much to consistily be able to wake up an feel okay. I am not asking to feel like a million dollars or to even have outlandish expectations of how things should go. I just want to feel okay. I want to be able to feel like I can do something that is going to make it or feel worth it. I feel so stupid. I don’t know anything, I can’t do math i read like a fucking retard because i’m dyslexic and that’s a lot of the reason i’m not good at math is because i can’t fucking apparently see straight what’s in front of me. But this is the perfect thing, I don’t see a problem in it, I don’t know that these numbers and words are not what they are supposed to be. That’s just something stupid that I get to deal with. I don’t even think i’ve told my best friends that. They probably think i’m just dumb.

I feel like I have no goals when I really do. I feel so behind. The other day I was thinking about my age and I am honestly so young. I am nineteen and at a point in my life I didn’t think that I was going to make it past 15. The weeks in the hospital under the lights and people thinking I was crazy and my family thinking i’m a lunatic. I never though at that time I would make it anyplace past. It is crazy to think that whenever someone dies nothing happens here on earth. Time just keeps passing and that almost blows my mind because to think about those moments that are worth the same amount of time as every other moment but to me they can feel like 30 years. 20 seconds can feel like it’s happening for a whole week but 20 seconds is only 20 seconds. Those seconds don’t care if i’m here Iceland, California or in bed they’re going to happen no matter what.

I know in my heart of hearts that I am meant to great things. I am meant for amazing things, I am meant to meet amazing people and to share my experiences with the world. This is just me though. I feel nasty thinking that I could think so highly of myself to think that I could make such an impact on other people. People that I don’t genuinely know and that don’t completely know me. But what Is it that I even think that I have to offer? What am I good at? I’m not book smart, I can’t spell for shit. Honestly is someone put a gun up to my head and told me if I didn’t spell this simple word correct then they were going to take my own life then I honestly believe that I would be a goner. I don’t know how to do things, I can’t comprehend how to do things with steps when to try to have me help. I can’t. I have been on this planet for 19 almost 20 years and I have yet to find a reason to stick around other than the 19 almost 20 years that I have put into this. I tell my friend all the time that’s in this completely miserable relationship that just because her and her boyfriend have been together for a wile isn’t a good enough reason to stay if she’s not happy and I think it’s funny I would give advice like that when I know that I feel like i’m in the same situation.

I just live my life. I wake up then I find myself in bed a few short hours later with nothing to show for it. Maybe a drastic change would help me. We all need change every so often don’t we? Can’t remember the last time I really changed though. Most people are able to dye their hair but I am too much of a coward for something like that. What if I don’t like the outcome? Then i play a waiting game. I sit and I wait for it to be what I would like to call normal again. Do I lose weight? That’s always going to be an option. But if I really wanted to wouldn’t I have done that already? I think part of the reason why I don’t really lose weight is because I know deep down that I don’t think I could ever really be happy with myself and I could look because I might think I look pretty when I look in the mirror after I get ready at home by myself but the second I step out of my front door there’s all these people that will always be so much better than me in my mind. People who look better who will be smarter than me be more skinny than me and just all around better than me. Better than Alexis. I am afraid that I will never see myself in a light so bright that I could be just okay. Not asking to be so happy that other people are jealous of my happy just okay.

I don’t want to hate so many things in my life. This is the stupid thing, if you write it down on paper there’s only so much to complain about. But i guess i’m not really complaining. I have two parents that are together but honestly I have wished on multiple occasions that they weren’t and that is so wrong and when I say it out loud believe me I hear it. I completely do. But they’re not good for me. It’s toxic to have things that have only failed around you. My dad hates his life. You can see it in his eyes when he talks when he talks about my mom when he talks about us. My dad was meant for so much more in his life and my mom just keeps him down. She keeps all of us down. We haven’t gotten in a big fight or anything in a long time I just will never be able to forget that day in the hospital when she got into my room and said to me ” How could you do this to me”. She plays these things against me. She plays me having feelings ever back to that moment. She is worthless and I am so afraid that I will wake up one day and have kids and be living a life because I didn’t know how to make something of myself and be married to someone that doesn’t make me feel like I could grab the sun with one hand and put it in my pocket when I need it and I will have kids I can’t connect with and then they won’t like me and I won’t even have my friends to go to. I hate most all of my friends. I think they are awful for one reason or another and the ones I don’t hate I don’t even get to see.

Do you know how hard it is to not be able to see the people who are supposed to make you happy by choice even once a month? Then the people that are here that I actually do enjoy are in real relationships and that’s almost as hard as them being long distances away. Not to sound super single or anything but sometimes it’s just nice to hang out and not have to worry about having to talk about feelings or touching or those teenage feelings or anything and feeling like a 3rd wheel sucks. But not really because it’s awkward because I believe that it’s only awkward if you make it awkward but because you get it thrown in your face that then second you leave a situation it’s just you. Maybe this one is just me but I don’t think I am strong enough to spend a lot of time with a guy and not really feel anything. I don’t think that I could ever act on my feelings for a lot of different reasons but to just say that there is absolutely nothing there is a little false. But those are the things that in this point in our lives that we have to keep to our selves.

I just want to wake up one day and know that the time here so far has been worth it and not really have to regret my failed attempts were here for a reason and not just to keep me grounded but a real reason. To know that there’s something that i’m able to do that’s something that I love and a place that I can feel like I can do right. Something that doesn’t feel mundane and is a reason to really stick around because these past few years have plummeted but only a few before that were good. I don’t want to just go though life I really want to be able to say that I lived it and I feel like late enough to accept the fact that this could be all it’s ever going to be or early enough to say it was just a little hiccup. Sometimes I just really need someone else to tell me it’s going to be okay before I can start believing someone other than myself. Thanks for taking the time if you made it this far.

you try too hard to be happy. you want big things to happen to make you happy. you only have one life and you have to live it. I’m not the best person to be preaching about “living life” and shit, but you have the same friends, same house, same job, same routine. just go out and get your license, your grandma will take you. get on your family about a car, or at least ask to borrow one. spend the day and the money and rent a car, go out and do something. the little things go a long way. if you don’t like you hair color, dye it back. nothing in life is permanent and only death is certain. I love you to death and absolutely hate seeing you down. I hate my life, too… but I hang out with people I adore, I work on bettering myself one way or another, even it is learning something new each day. why don’t you look for a job in writing or at a concert hall or anywhere that’s not Best Buy because, even though you may be good at it, I know for damn sure that’s not what you want to do with the rest of your life. you are only 19. you have time on your side. this is the time to change your life and do what you want, use your resources. you live in a great city to do things like that. I don’t want this post to sound mean, but it sounds like you need a push and I’m not there physically there to do it. you don’t have the right motivation. I know you’re meant for great things, but you’re not doing anything about it. even if you aren’t at school this semester, do something close to home. you don’t need to be book smart to be successful. not everybody is good at math, I know for damn sure I’m not. you are smart, you just put yourself down too much and pride yourself on what you can be in the future. pride yourself now. work on something to make you feel better. the worst that could happen is you don’t like it, a guy says no, or you fail. they’re all pretty bad, but at the end of none of those tries do you die. live with no regrets. that’s your motto. I know it is. you’re going to regret sitting around one day hating your life for no reason because you haven’t gone out and find what you’re good at. it took me 20 years, 13 years of regular school, 4 semesters in college, and 1 semester off to finally find that I am good at communications and I can see myself going very far in life. it takes time. but you have to venture out and find it. it won’t just come to you. I have complete faith in you. I am your best friend. if being president makes you happy, do it. if being a stripper makes you happy, do it. and the only thing that matters in all of this is if you are happy. that’s it. it doesn’t matter if your parents approve. it doesn’t matter if you’re just making ends meet or you’re rolling in the cash. in the end, you have to do what makes you happy and makes you want to continue living life everyday. you’ll find your other half somewhere down the road. I completely agree, it fucking sucks being single all the time, but if it leads me to who I could spend the rest of my life with… that’s ok. if I know I’m living my life for me right now and not worrying about having to keep a boyfriend company or include him in my plans right now, I’m ok with that. my goal for 2013 was to do something each day a little different, whether that be going a different route to class, doing my hair a different way or even eating something completely different for lunch or dinner, then I’m just fine with that. I’ve done it. I’m happy. I hate my life some days, but that’s fine, too. you’re amazing, Alexis and don’t you ever think otherwise. Ghandi once said, “whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.” doesn’t matter if you become king of the world or just keep working at Best Buy… live your life. be happy. and keeping doing what you’re doing because it is important. it does matter. you matter. <3

Posted 4 months ago (originally ajadefowler) + 2 notes

#text post #silver and red starfish